Aging out of the System
Our foster son is about to age out of the system. We are extremely lucky to live in New York State, where kids can choose to stay in foster care for a few years past their 18th birthdays and even now, when our son is about to reach the official cut-off age, there are considerations and possibilities (read: a lot of bureaucratic procedures) that will give him a little more time. Of course, we are planning on supporting him as long as he needs us, but here we are, going through a “final discharge” process that is actually the catalyst for him receiving the dispensation to stay.
It strikes me that there is good Torah here about connection and separation. We often think of them as two ends of a spectrum, but in fact, they are a dynamic. Children go through various stages of seeking closeness and learning about independence. Long time friendships and partnerships have periods of intimacy and times of greater distance. In a therapeutic context, breakthroughs around connection are often followed by a reaction of disconnection. It seems part of the natural flow.
We find this in the spiritual world, as well. The spiritual tradition uses the phrase ratzo vashov. It comes from Ezekiel’s vision of marvelous creatures, rushing to and fro, that was a precursor to him receiving a great prophetic mission. Ratzo vashov literally means “running and returning” and it has come to be a kind of shorthand for a particular kind of spiritual experience. In this experience, there are moments of mystical transcendence – this is the ratzo, the rushing in, the closeness, the merging. But it doesn’t last; it can’t last. We return to the boundaries of this world with its responsibilities and beauty and aggravations. That is the shov, coming back.
As I learned from my friend and teacher, Rabbi Nancy Flam, there are other metaphors in the Jewish tradition to describe this spiritual dynamic, such as going up and down spiritual “rungs,” or expanded mind versus contracted mind. But I really prefer ratzo vashov. There is less judgment attached to the experience of separation. Ratzo vashov reminds us that it is just part of the way things move, like the tide, in and out, close and far. The separation doesn’t have to be a sign of something bad or unskillful. It’s just part of the experience, like a young person growing up and getting ready to go out on their own in a non-linear way.
We have all been experiencing new forms of connection and separation during these many months of “social distancing” that is now opening up for some and not for others. I know many people who aren’t so sure they are ready to run out into the world of social contact, people for whom the shov, the pulling back, continues to feel safer. Some people feel a little embarrassed about this. But it’s just a new facet of navigating this dynamic that is always present. Perhaps this is a time to bring a little extra kindness to wherever we find ourselves at this moment. It’s all part of ratzo vashov, moving forward and back, in an endless cycle.